Sexual fetishes can feel so taboo that people feel the need to hide their feelings, but a Canadian survey showed that roughly half of people fantasize about erotic domination and submission – meaning there is a fair chance your partner will be interested.
Not everybody will find these activities appealing, but the important thing is to ask your partner to be open minded and non-judgemental. Do you want to experiment but the only thing stopping you is the stigma that surrounds it? Maybe you fear opening up fully to your partner and revealing your inner desires.
Bondage, BDSM and kinky play actually revolve around trust and consent, and are a communicative, thrilling way to enjoy sex. So how do you begin? Start with some research.
Your partner may come back at you with a whole world of questions that you hadn’t thought about, so they key is to be prepared, and seem as though it’s so important to you that you did your homework. Take a look at some books, TV, internet, forums, and refer back to them together if you wish.
The next step is deciding when and how to broach the subject – think about your partner, are they more likely to be receptive when relaxed, or during pillow talk, or even over dinner? Tell them that you care about them and trust them, and that there is no pressure or no need to make a decision straight away.
It is important to ensure they know that the boundaries of domination and submissiveness are kept solely to the bedroom. The right way to broach it is to be specific and focus on activities, so both parties are on the same page. There could be blurred lines if you simply say “I’d kind of like you to.. you know, take a bit more control in the bedroom”. It could simply lead to performance anxiety.
Word it this way: “I have this fantasy. Suppose we try (this)?” so that they understand exactly what kind of thing you want, and that it will make you happy.
A good tip is to find something that your partner likes that is not kinky, and find a way to use kink to enhance it. Perhaps they are a natural tease and would love the idea of tying you up and stringing out your orgasm.
If they are keen, it is vital to begin by taking it slowly and putting both of your safety first. Once you have established it’s Ok for you both, stop talking about it and start setting it up. Safely means that you aren’t at risk of being interrupted/caught, you have a safe word, and every single activity that takes place is consensual.
You could begin in ‘service’ style, with one of you playing slave for the evening. Starting out small means you can build up to things such as denial and discipline once you are feeling confident. Don’t rush things as this is a long game.
Constantly check in with each other, are you both enjoying it and want to continue? And remember, you might not get the answer you want, BUT, if you don’t ask, you won’t get, so taking the first (possibly uncomfortable) step in broaching the topic could pay off and truly open up new exciting possibilities for your sex life.